Underwear
This is my mother’s story, which took place in Philadelphia, the city of my birth, in the mid-fifties. She was shopping with a friend in the busy downtown area, wearing a dress, as did all women of that era. She was simply walking and chatting when the elastic waistband of her underwear broke and the panties fell down around her ankles. Without hesitation, Mother stepped out of those tidy whities, took her friend by the arm, and quickly walked in the door of the closest store. I don’t know how she communicated what happened to her friend….Oh, my God, I dropped my drawers!…or…Would you look at that?…but they laughed so hard they were practically in hysterics. (Imagine a very confused shopkeeper.) When they finally composed themselves,...
TP
During his final years, my father stockpiled toilet paper. Yes. Toilet paper. I knew when I emptied his house to move him into a small apartment that he had issues with hoarding. I found hundreds of used bubble envelopes in which products had been delivered to him, but then he set the envelopes aside in case he needed them for something. As I said, there were hundreds…and it almost broke his heart when I put them in the trash. Then, there were the AOL disks. Nearly as many of them as there were bubble envelopes. Every time he received a disk urging him to sign-up for AOL, he stashed it somewhere in his computer desk. Every nook and cranny, filled. Despite the fact that he was already using AOL. Those disks went in the trash, as well. I found multiple...
Slang
I found the book, Spanish Street Slang, at Barnes and Noble. Thinking it might be useful in communicating with our growing Mexican population, I flipped through the pages. The book was organized much like a dictionary or thesaurus, showing words and phrases in alphabetical order. I read a bit, trying to get an idea of the content. Quite a surprising experience. On every other page, I found the word penis. That’s right. Penis. Of course, I did not read the entire book, but I skimmed at least fifteen pages, covering about ten letters of the alphabet. And behind every single one of those letters, I found a different word for penis. Apparently, there is a different word for penis that begins with each of the twenty-nine letters of the Spanish alphabet. I...
“Cataracts” Follow-up
In researching natural remedies, I learned that the homeopathic remedy, Causticum, is effective in dissolving cataracts. A much better option than allowing someone to put a knife near my eye. After making my purchase, however, I saw the following uses noted on the side of the remedy: Bed-wetting and bladder incontinence. A connection between cataracts and Depends? Oh, yes. And yet another confirmation of my oldness.
Decluttering
Every progress report my two grown children ever brought home from school, kindergarten through twelfth grade. Newspaper articles listing students who made the honor roll. Forty-year-old resumes. Texts from every CPE course I’ve taken for the past fifteen years. Old financial records. Lots and lots of financial records. Computer diskettes containing God only knows what. I haven’t had a computer equipped to look at them in years. Every piece of artwork my children ever did. My dad’s old financial records. He has been dead since 2008. Stacks of old mail that belonged to that same dad. Really ugly paintings from an art class I took six years ago. Many small stuffed Santas, elves and reindeer given to my children when they were little and unused...
Ride-along
The name for this story did not come from the current movie blockbuster. It’s simply the name of an activity that I participate in from time-to-time. I do ride-alongs with the police department. Why? you may ask. There are a number of reasons. First, it shows our officers that the public supports them and has an interest in their jobs. Second, it allows me to get to know the officers personally which, I hope, will result in faster response time should I ever dial 9-1-1. And third, it’s just plain fun. Cops have a wealth of equipment at their disposal, much of it fastened to their belts or crammed around the seats of their cars: weapons, flashlights, radios, radar, cameras, a computer. Fascinating stuff to a boring old accountant like me. On my...
Bed
We just bought a king-sized bed. Finally. George and I debated buying one for years, but it was only after I wrote the following in my journal that my decision was made. November, 2013 I slept on the wrong side of the bed. Again. I’ve been doing this for close to thirty years now. Every night, I think I’ll talk with George about it in the morning, but when morning comes, I forget. In fact, the only way this story even came into existence was because I got up and wrote it in the middle of the night. I don’t know why we decided I would sleep on George’s left side and he would sleep to my right. I’ve never been able to sleep while lying on my left side; it upsets my stomach. ...
Recent Comments